30/10/06

// feeling :: good
// prayer for :: art exam on weds

Ah ok. I was having a hard time settling on a theme for my art exam. I decided to do Models and draw people making toy models of ships, planes and cars. One of my dad's favourite pasttimes :)

I'm not getting caught up with myself and the wordly distractions many of us are facing right now because of Arise & Build, but I'm focusing on the spiritual things that God has put there for us.

Recently, I know that my QT wasnt going too well and I hadnt the slightest idea of how to do it. I just sat ard and ignored that problem, thinking it wasnt too big a deal until my mom came home and gave me 1 book and 2 booklets she bought for me.

When I saw one of the booklets with the title How To Have Meaningful Quiet Time, I nearly flipped.

Exactly what I was looking for !!

I started reading it yesterday night. I picked it up again this afternoon and finished it. Its goooood. Now one small little problem. I dont have a place to do my QT.

I contemplated with the store room but if I close the door, there wont be any air circulation so thats a little scary. If I go into the toilet, its fine. But who wants their sacred QT place to be in the toilet ?!

Thats the problem with too many ppl squeezed into one flat -.-

I'm blessed by the book so I'm going to share a short part of it here later on.

The next book I'm reading will be this:

Its about how to reach out to ppl! This is the book that my mom got. Okay, how uncanny is that! I was feeling discouraged out W271's outreach too :D I cant wait to get started on this but I still got my Os to worry about. Nvm. After O lvls. Hehe. I'll go bonkers and read every Christian book I have in my hse then. And no one will stop me ~

Ah okay. How To Have a Meaningful Time with God?

Start with the proper attitudes.
To God, why we do something is more important than what we do.
God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7b)

1. Expectancy
   - Expect to have a good time and receive a blessing
   
2. Reverence
   - Prepare my heart by being still
   - Let the quietness clear away the thoughts of the world
   
3. Alertness
   - Be wide awake
   
4. Willingness to obey
   - With the purpose of doing anything and everything that God wants you to do
   

Select a specific timing.
- Give God the best part of your day when you are the freshest and most alert
- If God really is first place in your life, then you should give Him the first part of your day
- "God's voice is the first I want to hear in the morning and the last I want to hear at night." - Stephen Olford.
- Start with 7 minutes.

Choose a special place.
- Secluded
- Where you can pray without disturbing others
- Good lighting for reading
- Where you are comfortable (Note: NOT in bed!)

1. Relax (Wait on God)
   - Be quiet to put yourself into a relevant mood
   
2. Request (Pray briefly)
   - Opening prayer to cleanse your heart and to ask Him to guide you in the time together.
   - Psalms 139:23-24
   - Psalms 119:18
   
3. Read (a section of the Bible)
   - Read it slowly
   - Read it repeatedly
   - Read it without stopping
   - Read it aloud but quietly (improve concentration)
   - Read it systematically
   
4. Reflect and Remember (Meditate and memorize)
   - Contemplate your thoughts of the scripture
   - Memorize a meaningful verse
   
5. Record (What God has shown you)
   - help you to remember what you learnt
   
6. Request (Time of Prayer)
   
   P - Praise the Lord
   Psalms 145-150
   Think of 20 things you can thank God for
   
   R - Repent of your sins
   Tell God your sins
   Ask Him to help you turn away from them
   
   A - Ask for yourself and others
   Petition (for yourself) & Intercession (for others)
   Be specific
   
   Y - Yield yourself to God's will
   End with a time of personal recommitment

Phew I'm done. I doubt many ppl will read -.- but its ok. I just think these notes for QT is really good.

I gotta go get down to my stuff alr. I havent eaten yet anyway. Okay, ciao.

30/10/06

// feeling :: full
// prayer for :: art exam

My mom got me a booklet with the title How To Have Meaningful Quiet Time. I'm so glad she bought it for me, because that booklet was something I've been searching for. I wanted to ask Sis Cat about how to do QT but I was afraid I'd get scolding =x

Had my chinese exam. Normally, I'd be subconsciously terrified of exams and I'd get a very, very stomachache after the start of the paper, so I had to bear with it for the whole paper. I would only pray that it'll go away after I got it.

But today, I prayed about it before the paper. And God came through for me :) After 4 yrs. Heh God is just awesome. It shows a lot how we gotta believe first, then wait for the miracle, not wait for the miracle before believing.

Oh and I didnt bring my chinese paper entry proof -.- I brought the one for all my other subjects except for chinese. Pfft. They got me to fill up this form and they'll decide whether to hand up my script or not. But I think they'll hand it up? They wouldn't be so cruel =/

Had 3 occuring nightmares last night. All not involved with ghosts or what. They're simple things but they really got me freaked out.

In the first dream I was walking with my sister, going somewhere, when this old beggar came up to me and asked me for money to buy yeast. I was like, huh? I didnt want to give him the money because I was late for svc and I wanted to take a cab there. He got out of control and kept demanding me to give him the money that was in my hand. But I just couldnt help him.

In my second dream I was late for svc. I took a bus from Jurong I think, to City Hall or smth and alighted to take a cab. I was running around the whole neighbourhood looking for a cab but I just couldnt find one, and I was really going to be late for svc.

I could see Sis Cat's face in my mind when she knew I was late.

The third dream was about me failing my chinese paper -.- thanks ah.

Gotta figure out how much I'm gonna give for Arise & Build. I read the four pieces of colored paper in the bulletin about A&B but I'm stumped over my amount.


My dad's leaving next Monday. He wont be here for Christmas nor for my birthday. We're all still pretty much living in denial that he's leaving.

29/10/06

// feeling :: good!
// prayer for :: heh exam tmr =/

I felt so encouraged today! Well. Not now. -.- dejected.

I'm starting to hate a particular b-word.

I received a revelation from God with the help of a friend earlier today when I was struggling with reaching out to ppl. I learnt a lot today.

Time for self-evaluation tonight.

Nowadays, I do self-evaluation in my sermon journal. Pick out learning points from my day and how I can improve on how I deal with ppl; in my spiritual walk.

-Why am I drifting away from the main subject-

Ah, well, back to my revelation. Its found in Psalms 91! I'm just going to extract those verses that impacted me because typing the whole chapter into this entry is kinda out of point.


Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. -- vs. 1

For He will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. -- vs. 3

His faithful promises are your armor and your protection. -- vs. 4b

Though a thousand fall at your side, though ten thousand are dying around you, these evils will not touch you. -- vs. 7

[His angels] will hold you up with their hands so you wont even hurt your foot on a stone. -- vs. 12

The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation. -- vs. 14-16


I love vs 12. There's so much more that God has prepared for us. Like my friend said, we all tend to overlook the blessings poured on us and gripe about our misfortune. Now that is a super bad habit we all have. Esp me sometimes -.- thats why I started my evaluation habit.

When I read the Bible now, I always saw how God reprimands and punishes ppl. I grew more afraid of Him each time I continued reading the Bible during my QT. But now, thanks to my friend, I've learnt not to be afraid of Him, but to fear Him instead.

To be afraid is to cower in that person's presence. To fear is to respect that person and to be resilient.

That message did encourage me and helped me solve my problem as quick as possible. But it also erased whatever cowardice I had in front of the Lord. I no longer feel afraid of Him, that whatever I do/say wrong, He'll release His wrath on me.

Because our God is a forgiving and merciful God, yes?

haha.

Oh and erm just for the record, and minimal misunderstanding, in my previous post I was criticising someone with the lame horns etc etc right? If you didnt get it, that person is Lucifer.. Just in case someone with the name starting with L gets offended.

Heh I should stop being indirect when I'm criticising someone eh. Minimize misunderstandings.

Later going to Sakae with Dj and maybe my dad hahahaha. I want to try smth bold today hahaha. Feel like stuffing myself.

Heh juz now Wk sent me an encouraging sms about my O lvls tmr, then Sis Cat called me! Lol they so nice. Hmmm..

Tmr O lvls! Jiayou!

28/10/06

// feeling ::
// prayer for ::

I went for svc today. In the morning tried to do some solid studying but I found it extremely hard to concentrate for a long period of time.

Went for svc. Felt worried.

Reached Expo mrt at 4:30 but Mehdi, Alissa, Meijuan and Meiling reached at 5pm. We chionged back for svc. Mike, Mehdi and I couldnt find the rest of the cell, so we sat by ourselves first. During Praise, felt sad.

After svc, went for cg briefing. Felt ashamed by the poor turnout today. 4 members didnt come and about 5 expected friends didnt come either. 2 of which were mine -.-

Then talked with Wendy, Ken and Mike. Felt shocked over something I just learnt.

On the way home, felt dejected about some things. After Mike and Ken left at Bedok stop, Dejin and I continued talking. We talked mostly about arise and build and sakae sushi. Decided to go for Sakae tmr IF I have the cash. Felt excited

I put my stuff down in my room when I got home, and at the same time I thought about a lot of things. What I was so distracted with in svc. Suddenly felt agitated and angry. I almost slammed my door shut when I walked out of it to the bathroom.

I got so frustrated and threw my stuff down. I slammed my hands on the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. Then I asked God how come everything was crumbling like that.

Why am I taken so lightly? Why is my friendship with them taking a dip when they know very well that they're two of the most important people in my life? Did they overlook how I would feel?

I was feeling so upset. I didnt care about their reason for doing that. I just want to know how I can get them to come back.

I know it wasnt God's plan...for all that to happen.

I really hate that stupid little red guy with lame horns, a tiny black heart at the bottom of his left foot, a dull spear he uses to annoyingly poke people, bad breath, lame mind-manipulating games he plays with ppl, a big brain he uses for the wrong purposes and a sadistic mind.

Oh, and his name starts with L. No, its not loser, although thats one of my favourite nickname for him.

I'm irritated by him.

Okay, I shall not let him get his way by also falling into the trap so I'll just ignore him from now on -.-

WWJD about this?

28/10/06

// feeling :: tired!! but happy :)
// prayer for :: tmr's svc

Ah okay. Had the BBQ at Michael's condo today(or rather, yesterday. Its past midnight)! Super fun.

Met up with Mag at 430pm to get the food from Cold Storage. Sat at MacDonald's for duno how long lolz. Called up friends and all tt. Yeah then ... went to eat ice cream heh. Nice! But Mag took like duno how long to finish her cone -.-

Shopped ard Cold Storage, got the stuff and left for Bedok. Everyone was alr there...

Yeah. I ate a lot lolz. Whenever a new plate of food was cooked, I was the first one there because they so happened to put the plates next to me =D so convenient ~

I love the crabsticks!

Next time I shall buy more for the next bbq.

Stayed back late because had some stuff to do. By the time me, Mag, Ml, Mj, Alissa and Sis Cat [the rest had gone off earlier] left, it was so late that we missed the last train to Boon Lay.

Panic sia.

But realised that I had a straight bus home from Bedok interchange! All of us except Sis Cat could take that bus.

Then saw that the last bus of 33 is leaving at 2345, and it was alr 2345 and no bus in sight!

Panic again.

Then Ml went to the control station to ask if the bus had left yet. LUCKILY HAVENT.

It came soon after. (Heng sia).

By the time I reached home it was I think 1230. Luckily my grandma was still awake, or I need to "break into" my house again.

Ah tired. Today was great ;) although when I came home I got scolded my sister for two things: air-con was too cold (and she duno how to increase the temp herself) and the light was too glaring (it was alr like that when I came into the room).

Sian. But tmr ... Service! ... and ... ANDREW NAYLOR! I like him :D

27/10/06

// feeling :: sore
// prayer for :: tmr's turnout for svc

Wanna talk about this wonderful dream I had last night...I dreamt that I was part of an Animal Lover Adventure Club. And we were out one day trekking by the mountain side, looking for deers.

Then I saw this stag, a male deer, being shot by some hunter. The stag fell off a cliff and died before my very eyes. I saw his fawn follow him, jumping off the cliff too. So I quickly used a rope to lasso the fawn back up.

I adopted that fawn and tried to raise it. Others did the same thing. But after awhile, mine died.

In that dream, I was moping around the house, refusing to laugh with anyone, refusing to try to smile for them.

My friends were hurt that just because I lost my fawn after only a couple of days, I had to become like that. They tried to cheer me up.

I resented the other people and their fawns. I thought it was unfair about how they can raise their fawns so well, whereas mine had to die. I loved that fawn so much, basically because I was the one who saved it from its first call of death.

But there were reasons for the death of the fawn, even after I poured all my love, time and attention on it. After I realised that even though my heart is broken and I feel worn out, the world doesnt stop spinning for me.

I then smiled for my friends. I tried my best to have fun and in the end I did. I was still hurting about my dead fawn but I told myself to get over it. And I saw the significant change in my friends' moods and I also found myself having more fun.

After that, I woke up due to a phone call.

I woke up feeling sad and lonely, but now as I thought my dream through, I discovered many learning points from it.

Getting over a loss is always hard, but it is also always the right and best thing to do. We can learn from them, instead of thinking of it all the time and resenting others.

Like the fawn, there are things that are extremely precious to us even after just one or two days of aquiring it.

Dont brode over things you've lost. If my friends in the dream werent persistent in making me smile again, I would've lost them. So...Moping about losing one thing may cause you to lose many other things close to you.

26/10/06

// feeling :: tired. zzz.
// prayer for :: my mom's illness

My phone's charging on its own again.

Tried installing Disc2Phone and PC Suite again into my com and its all working fine, so I guess the problem is in the phone. Pissed -.-

Today, I took the bus to Belle's school but ended up taking it from the wrong side and getting off about 20 stops too early. By the time I got there, we were alr late for the meeting with Mehei and Alex. Oops my bad.

We met them at Harbourfront MRT and walked over to Vivo. Had dinner at Long John's. Heh they treated. Well, we got to see the gentleman culture of other countries. You see Singapore -.- guys dont treat girls, they even borrow money from them. Some dun even return. I'm talking about the likes of Matthew Wang Twee Liang.

Argh. Why am I even thinking about him. Bleah.

Yeah so erm. We sat at Long John's for a long time. Belle listened to songs with Alex and Mehei told me about his experiences and let me listen to songs from his walkman phone.

They're...I duno how to describe them. They know Belle and I like sad songs occasionally, and they let us listen to those kind of songs. But after awhile, they say thats enough for now. They say that listening to too many sad songs will affect our moods eventually.

I duno whether you know what I'm driving at...Belle knows because she's the one that made me realise all this.

Ah heh. Lol. After that we walked ard. It was time for Mehei and Alex to leave so we brought them to the station. I duno wad happened to Alex. He ran off, saying he needed to go to the toilet.

Met Gab and Dehua at Vivo -.-

After that Belle and I continued shopping ard ourselves. We spent a looooooooooong time at Candy Empire, deciding what to buy. I wanna try the lime and black pepper chips!! It looks nice =P

Then go Watson's..Vivo Mart..I spent quite a lot..Lol. My allowance gone alr.

I bought this thing..Wanted to give it to someone.. But when I got home and took it out of the bag Gab started her whole string of comments.

It made me think.

Last time, someone commented that one thing good about me was that I dont bear grudges. That I forgive, forget and move on. But, do I? Others yeah, maybe. But...I've always felt this negative vibe coming from my sister. I find it hard to forgive her and forget her acts.

Last time my ex-classmates said this to me: "Its all your fault that she's so spoilt now. Its because you keep giving to her does she feel as though its right."

After that, I totally separated myself mentally from my sister. Darent go near her, darent do anything that might harm her in the future. But this isnt the way...The further away I go from her, the less I feel she's my sister. The longer I stay away from her, the less I know her.

I mean, of cos la, would you expect someone to be closer to you if you guard yourself against that person -.-

Now, as I try to get closer to her again, there's something that just repels us from each other. Things like this I bitterly regret.

But anyway. I really had a fantastic time with the 3 of them today. Hope to do that again sometime :)

25/10/06

// feeling :: restless
// prayer for ::

I hate it whenever Gab goes out. God knows what time she'll be back tonight.

Sigh ok so ... I woke ard 11am this morning, and went to read the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.

Even though its the second time I'm reading it, I still think its good. Here's what I learn from it:

I believe the time has come for Christians, male and female, to own up to the mess we've left behind in our selfish pursuit of short-term romance. ... If God sees a sparrow fall (Matthew 10:29), do you think He could possibly overlook the broken hearts and hurt we cause in relationships based on selfishness? -Pg 23, first para from top

From the first chapter, Harris goes straight to the point, not beating around the bush, trying to put the truth in a better light. The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment. Thats the ultimate message behind his book. I still have a long way to go before I finish it. Although I am waiting for a financial breakthrough so I can get the book Boy Meets Girl, also by Josh Harris. I doubt now's the right time either.

I went to watch Prince of Tennis on dvd just now. Watched till I fell asleep.

I'm tempted to buy the comic Death Note and follow that instead of the movie because it seems that the movie isnt very accurate.

Oh yeah, had a dream last night I think. About Alissa. She had the Motorola phone and she was telling me how good it is and everything. Lol. I really want a flip-phone but it seems that there are no good ones ard. I'm not sure if my dad will allow me to trade in anyway.

Going for dinner with Belle tmr. Heh. Going to her school to explore first before her class ends. MDIS seems like a nice place. Hopefully I know how to get there la. Heh. Walk by faith.

24/10/06

// feeling :: starved
// prayer for :: cgm!

I wish I have my own set of house keys.

Heh okay so today I went to Tiong first. Met Belle and Mike there. Went up to see the movie showtimes but Rob-B-Hood started at 9pm. We didnt have much to do till then so we went to Vivo cuz the time was earlier. About 7pm.

Mike went off to Suntect to find his parents.

Before leaving, we went to Comic Connection to take a look. Met up with Belle's friend, Amos there.

At Outram station to Harbourfront, we met two Italian guys, Mehei and Alex who asked about how to get to Sentosa. They ended up going to Vivo with us because they wanted to see it.

We went there tgt and well, talked. Decided against watching movie in the end. We 4 went to Starbuck's where one of them, Mehei, treated us to ice chocolate. It was nice. At least non-caffeine.

Lamb came, then we walked Mehei and Alex to the Sentosa shuttlebus. Parted ways there, then went back to Vivo to play water lol.

After awhile Mike came la then we just sat at the waterside and crapped the whole night away. It was fun but it left me drained.

Had a lot of photos to post up...But there's something wrong with my phone. I think its crazy. It was working fine on the day I got it back, but after that its like -.-

Super hungry. Forgot that I didnt have lunch today, unless you count the McFlurry ice cream at Macs.

Next week is exams.

23/10/06

// feeling :: hungry
// prayer for :: tmr's weather

Darn phone. Cant connect to computer.

God's grace was upon us today. Gab, Shumei, Jack and I went to VivoCity. There was thunder and everything when we went there, but it didnt rain at all. We could keep playing at the wading pool upstairs.

Later on, Lamb came and I went with him to eat. Settled at Long John's. After lunch, we went to find the other 3..They were still at the wading pool. Spent the next few hours playing with water.

Talked to Lamb about some things..I wasnt very detailed or what but I just summarized everything. Although I should feel like a heavy burden has been lifted, I feel the same as before. Feel exhausted.

After that Lamb and I left first. He sent me home then ya here I am.

I think my phone is haunted. Even though there's no USB cable or charger attached to it, its charging -.- I had to shut it down and switch it on again. My only fear is that if I keep doing that, the phone will not be able to be switched on again, like the problem last time.

Sian lar. I actually had a few nice pics I wanted to post up.

I realise that everything I've done/talked about is always posted in my blog, so when I tell people, "hey you know -thisthisthis- happened", they'll be like, "yes I know, I read your blog". And there's nothing else to talk to them about alr -.-

I got a stomachache now. My mom says its because I ate Long John's today. Yeah right.

22/10/06

// feeling :: good.
// prayer for :: weather tmr

What can I say about today? It was fantastic. But well, not the first part.

Went for blood donation at Gek Poh CC. In the end, I couldnt donate blood because I -of all things and of all days!- didnt bring my ez-link for identification. Sigh. I hate myself sometimes. In the end, only my dad and DJ gave blood. Sheng forgot his card too, and Michael had some problems.

Zzz. Wastin time -.-

I think I saw Minger there.

Then my dad sent all of us to Great World, where we spent like an hour? Debating on whether to leave for Bugis to have dinner at Sakae with Lamb, or watch Death Note. In the end watched Death Note. Then called Lamb to come down too.

I admit that I was the one that started the whole hooha about watching the movie or going to Sakae. Sry all :(

Went to walk ard..Went to CoffeeBean. I shared a White Chocolate-something with Sheng. I forgot the name alr..Mike and DJ went to eat KFC while Lamb joined us.

Heh, Lamb's drink was so cute! Got cherry on top.

Nice right. He choked on it later on though -.-

Zzz..Went for the movie..2.5 hrs sia! Quite long. I was freezing to death in the theatre. But it was nice! I like it. I duno if I'm going for Death Note 2 though.

Then went to Tiong..Went to Sakae to have dinner. Or rather supper la. It was ard 9pm alr. We stayed there till it was closing time. I had the Salmon Don..It was ok la but kind of bland.

Went home. Found my Ez-link on my bed. :'( wanna cry liao. Cant believe how dumb I was. Drag other ppl there also. In the end I couldnt donate.

Going to Vivo with Belle tmr. I wanna go play water.

A lot on my mind. Drivin me crazy.

But good advice for Sis Cat for me always was:

If you dont know what you want, at least know what you dont want.

21/10/06

// feeling :: extremely full
// prayer for ::

Zzz. I think I overate.

Went early to Expo to queue up for seats at ard 1530? Juz sat there and stoned. I duno why I zonk out so easily now.

Some members from W229 came to join us at the door..Was outside for quite awhile..Then when the door opened, everyone just chiong-ed in. Tsk. I got lost in the crowd -.- couldnt find the rest.

In the end no more seats..Had to get the clock area slope.. I saw how "kiasu" and agressive people can get because of seats for svc. I duno if thats a compliment to the church or not. I suppose it is, but is the shoving and pushing really necessary =/

Svc was good! About finding God's purpose for us. Once we discover our purpose in life, everything just falls into place nicely! I'm awe-struck about how God forms and moulds our lives individually.

Going for Blood donation tmr. I admit I am kind of scared now. Will it be painful =/

Anyway..Had Ben & Jerry's ice cream after svc!! Nice nice. Had the duno wad cream cookie dough or something. I took Dehua's ice cream cuz he didnt want it =D so nice..

Met Sheng to pass him blood donation consent form.

Today Gab came too. She didnt show signs that she was enjoying herself during the svc..Until the very end. She lifted up her hands when we were singing a worship song. Slowly, but surely, she lifted up her hands. I cant even express my joy in words.

Yeah well..Got my phone back. Finally. Thanks to my wonderful parents who went there so specially pick it up for me.

Gab pointed out to me that I had two faint scratches across my cheek -.- I guess that happened when I accidentally scratched myself during svc. A sign to get my nails cut.

I did smth very brave yesterday night. I dont know if I did the right thing. It was kind of reckless because I saw no harm in doing it..But its alr done. I can only hope for the best out of it.

Erm. I noticed that in this entry, I change subject very quickly.

20/10/06

// feeling :: exhausted
// prayer for :: svc tmr

Okay...Had cgm at Simei. It was great. Had games and all. Heh, I was the only one who needed to forfeit but thank God bro Alvin forgot! Heh heh heh..

Been thinking about myself. You dont need to be a very close friend to me to notice the change in me. Like my dressing.

Everytime I look at myself in the mirror, my sister would come and tell me I look great, but I'll be doubtful and say, "do I", "do I", "do I".

I dont recognize myself at all. People like Gab and Belle keep quiet because they know why I'm doing this. But do I know why I'm doing this?

Doesnt feel like me. I may look better now. But I dont feel right about myself. Wanna look good for God.


I'm getting rather straightfoward now. And its not in a good way.

20/10/06

// feeling :: warm
// prayer for :: tmr's svc

I just finished modifying the ppt I made for my dad. Sigh. My mom doesnt want the ppt to be sad, but thats kinda impossible? Its a "farewell" ppt. Unless he's happy to leave us in Singapore, it wont ever be "not-sad".

But as I make the ppt, I feel more and more sore about him leaving. I expect myself to accept it soon.. My mom told me that she and Dan are living in denial. They have yet to accept his leaving. Man. This physically hurts me.

Ah well. Tmr's church. I'm looking forward to that. Gab agreed to go with me, so thats something I should really thank God for. My goal for October is reached. But just going for one svc isnt really my goal..

Once Sis Cat said, its good if we're evangelising to our friends, and we will see them in heaven one day, "thanks to us". What if you see all your friends there..But you dont see your family. Thats already one big failure.

Heh ...

19/10/06

// feeling :: restless
// prayer for :: tmr's cgm

Ah tired.

I've been talking to God a lot the past couple of days, but I feel close to Him yet distant at the same time. I'm feeling mixed up.

I remember last time, when I was so so so onz for church and God. I remember that I had this wonderful feeling of God being a real, physical friend beside me in school. I could feel His presence, and I just talked to Him in my mind. It felt cool. It felt comforting too.

I would always wish that God wasnt spiritual but physical. I would tell Him my deepest thoughts and dreams. He knew everything about me. But I know little about Him..I realised that its not because He doesnt tell me anything about Him, but I just dont bother finding out.

I always treated God like a real friend last time. And yes, I admit, right now I'm kinda distracted from my priorities. I seemed to have placed other things above God, when its supposed to be the other way. Heh, to think that a few months ago, God was all I was concerned about.

I seem to be juggling between the two extremes.

But..I love God. With all my heart. He's the most important to me now and always.

I just hope that I dont get my personal feelings in the way anymore.

17/10/06

// feeling ::
// prayer for ::

Oh, oh! I forgot to add something very important!


Heh heh. I love u Jesus!

17/10/06

// feeling :: hungry
// prayer for ::

I've been feeling bugged about a lot of things these few days.

My dad, my sister, my art, W271, church, my relationship with God, plus some other things that I probably shouldn't mention here.

I have a feeling that the stress I'm feeling now is not the worse. Right now I just want to concentrate on my Os without any other distractions, but helping in W271 is seemingly right for me.

Sure, its a great incentive for me to work fast for my art, so I can make it for cell or svc. But other than that ... I've had great doubts about my capability to juggle so many things at this crucial period. It will either make or break me. What if it breaks me?

But whatever it is, there are people who are believing that I can do it. And I trust that God too, believes I can do it thru Him.

I'm going to be alone today. No msn or what. I'm just gonna spend time with myself and of course, the Lord. Study whole day...The very thought of it makes me cringe.

Oh well. I gotta get going.

16/10/0

// feeling :: zonked
// prayer for ::

I asked God to give me a well-rested night yesterday. And yes, He answered my prayer. Normally He would gently prod me awake, saying its time for me to wake up. But now, He allowed me to sleep before waking me up at 1130, just in time for me to have breakfast and go to school. He gave me peaceful dreams all night too.

Went to sch to do final touch-ups for art, then went to some examinations centre at Queenstown. Heh. I helped Gab carry her bowl because my piece was compact, and she had a lot of things to carry. I nearly dropped her bowl cuz it was so heavy =x

I tell you, seeing everyone's art pieces from other schools made us demoralized. They were all so good! Sigh. There goes my A1.

Mmz. So, bus-ed back to Tiong. Had a Mac chocolate milkshake (not nice). Went home, played a little Audi with Belle. I suck man. Keep hitting the wrong keys and all that. Grr. And my computer had a virus too, so it kept shutting down.

But it was fun la..Spent the rest of the night doing a powerpoint for my dad to take along with him on his trip to East Timor.

Speaking of which, he told me on Saturday that he was confirmed going. My heart immediately sank.

But he created a hotmail account and added me in msn. He even bought a new laptop with a built in webcam for us to use so we could see him overseas. I guess he feels worse than I thought he did. Well. Juz that all of us r really going to miss him.

15.10.06

// feeling :: great!
// prayer for :: my family.

Today went for second svc with Mike and Joel's mom. It was great!

But praise and worship was the best! I like Andrew Naylor :D

I love all the songs! Esp Shout Hallelujah (I'm just guessing the title). Maybe I'll go dl the songs or buy their albums.

Then was Prayer Meeting. More people came than expected. This Prayer Meeting was different, but excellent! A speaker came and preached a little. But he's good! He really is! I got so motivated by his words and it totally changed my concept about God and made me love Him more! His jokes are funny too. Here's a pic of him, Rev. Dr. Albert Jebanayagam:

I prayed abt..My family..I thought of my dad..My sister. I felt so anguished suddenly. I felt so lost. 2 of the most important ppl in my life. One is leaving me physically, and the other is leaving the most important One in my life: Jesus.

Sometimes I cant help but feel lost.

I wish my dad would hurry up and buy the new unit in my current block, so I could have my own room. I understand prayer, and I understand Quiet Time now. I cant do it effectively if I'm sharing a room.

Want to move house, change school, and start a new life! But I have to proudly admit that meeting W271 and dedicating time to God has changed my life 180 degrees. People who know me before and after CHC can be able to distinctively see the difference in me.

Uh so after prayer meeting, Mike and I went with Sheng to Suntec..Had a hard time deciding where to go cuz we wanted to watch movie and eat and had to take in consideration the distances from our homes and the movie times..In the end chose Suntec. I was kinda the most picky and hard-to-please person there. oopz =x

We had Fish 'N' Co for dinner! I couldnt finish my food -.- first time..

Sheng took a cab home, so I followed him..He dropped me off at my place.

Oh yes, Sheng and I decided to donate blood! I've been wanting to do it for a long time but I kinda didnt have the guts. So actually I have a lot to thank God for. He gave me an opportunity to renew my friendship with Sheng and also gave me the chance, the courage and even a companion to donate blood.

I duno if I'm as good as Sis Cat thinks I can be. I'm feeling a lot of stress from her right now. I just dont feel good enough.

14/10/06

// feeling ::
// prayer for ::

What should I say. What can I say.

Can I say that last night and today was one of the worst days in my life? Sure. I can. First time that so many negative events piled up together, just to spite me.

I was given a "waking up" just about an hour ago. I used to be so full of myself, thinking that I could take matters into my own hands. I over-estimated myself, and I under-estimated God.

Could I feel any lousier about myself right now...When can I be God-dependent? When will I learn to trust God and Sis Cat 100% without feeling doubtful? When will I learn not to go over my head? WHEN WILL I LEARN TO LOVE THOSE AROUND ME?

Thanks to the one who rebuked me. I realise my mistake. And how one's foolishness can harm those around her.

Never again. I give God my word.

13/10/06

// feeling :: hungry
// prayer for :: my tiredness

Oh, its alr 3am! Haha, 3 more hours to school ~

As expected, I'm staying up because I want to complete my art. Well, it seems like tmr's the 4th "last day". LOL. Well its just that Mdm Lim keeps extending the deadline for us because we just cant seem to finish. I wonder why. Hmm.

Not having the printer in my room is a real inconvenience.

Wanted to post a picture of Gab's final piece here but smth's wrong with the picture upload..Her piece is the potential A1...

Argh...Sian la...My phone spoil! My wonderful, lovely, beloved K800i :'( Cannot charge and cannot switch on. Liaoz eh..I think muz send for repair or wad.

I dun believe this lar. Juz bought nia...Plus tmr's cgm...I cant be uncontactable..Grrrrrrr.

Heart pain heart pain...

12/10/06

// feeling :: anxious..
// prayer for :: everyone's art.

Mmm..I found the Ouran last ep!! First, Dehua sent me a link to dl from, but I couldnt dl it for some reason. Then Dehua tried sending me it via msn, which took the whole night. But my com got some darned virus which caused my user acc in this computer to go haywire, so I couldnt watch it again.

I was searching just now and I realised that actually YouTube had it -.- Wonder why I didnt think of it before.

Ah I still have my aaaaaart! I have no idea how to do the game planning -.- sigh I'm dooooomed.

Mdm Lim hasnt been spending too much time with me during art. Heh...I think it seems that everytime she looks in my direction, I'm busy working, so she thinks I'm fine by myself. But she looked thru my prep work yesterday...Here and there incomplete. Grr.

I'm going back to school after I go for my dental later. Yes, finally got dental. I'm running out of rubber bands. Well, in fact, I have run out of rubber bands a week ago. *grin.

Cant wait to get out of sch lah. I just got my report book yesterday. I was like..oh no...I've barely passed and I'm alr 9th position in class! Imagine the number of failures -.-

I showed to my dad cuz it required parents' signature. He glanced at it, then taught me about this whole concept abt school results in a Christian view.

He said that I shouldnt let my results make or break me, and define me as a person. He talked about God's plan for us because my dad kinda sees me helping people in future, like doing mission work or charity work. You know stuff like tt..

Yeah and he made me feel better about myself. He said God cares abt our results, but He doesnt use it to define us as a person.

I know just because he said that doesnt mean I can slack off, thinking that if I fail it doesnt matter. I still wanna go to poly. Lol.

Hmm lets see. Right now I should be doing my prep work =S

I'm most probably going to MDIS campus with Belle on Sat. Well I guess its a good opportunity for me to see what teschitary-duno-wad education is like.

Ah what am I still doing here! I need to do my prep work alr. Bye all.

11/10/06

// feeling :: tired
// prayer for :: well, her

I was listening to my mp3 during art..and I listened to this song that reminded me of a close friend.

I'm not gonna disclose who she is but let me describe her...She's my:

1) Wonderful sister-in-Christ
2) Spiritual booster
3) Best friend!
4) Msn chat buddy
5) Listening ear
6) Shoulder to cry on

She has been going through a tough period of time now..Battling with things that I've yet to experience. I cant empathize with her, but she has me and other people worried.

But well..I hope that she knows who she is cuz this entry is directed to her.

Yo, if you're reading this, this song here is for you. Even though I'm insensitive to how you feel sometimes, I hope that you wont blame me, and rmb that I'll always be here for you no matter what!

11/10/06

// feeling :: tired!!
// prayer for :: everyone's art

Okay. So its nearly six-thirty in the morning. Got Gab to wake me up at 3 to do my art...haha. Poor thing la she...Every night dun sleep..Only do her art..But it cant seem to finish. She sleeps like, 2 hours at night and abt 4 hours during class -.- She even bought RedBull every night to keep herself awake.

For me, I'm 98% there.

Ah. I'm exhausted!!

There was still time before I gotta leave for school, so initially I wanted to watch some anime, but there's virus in my com! Grrr...Cant open the file.

Sian lah. Last ep somemore... :'(


Oh well. Today is absolutely the last!! day to finish everything. After that, its finally over!!

I tot I could catch a break. Buuuuuuut .. After paper 1, there's paper 2 -.- Siiiiiigh.

After paper 2, there's O lvls. Bigger siiiiigh.


Ah. Thats life hahaz. Wish you all a great day!

8/10/06

// feeling :: good abt myself!
// prayer for :: hehz. compete everything tmr.

Woohoo! I made a target to compete all needed prep work by 3pm today and guess what! Its 3:01! Of cos, time was taken up to start my com. So I ended earlier than 3 :D

I tot of wad I heard yesterday:

7/10/06

// feeling :: full
// prayer for :: them

Today, I had a lot of thoughts on my mind on the way home from church. I thought abt many, many things. This entry will be sort of a relfective entry...

• Mike & Belle

They are going through emotional crisis right now. I feel for them. I may not fully understand and comprehend what they're going through, but I hate seeing the damage its doing to their friendships and to themselves. I love them but I cant seem to do anyth to help them. I dont want to be a useless sister.

• Bryan

Belle and I saw him while walking to Hall 8. We didnt exchange greetings. I realise the mental effect the "disagreement" had on our friendship. I dont know whats the next step, but I want to do something about it. I dont wish to awkwardly walk past each other like that ever again.

I've been praying about it and all. I hope that somehow God will show me what I should do next. I want to believe before I see the miracle, not see the miracle before I believe.

• God

I thought about my relationship with God. Why did I even think about compromising spending time with Him, and using that time to do my art instead?

I'm glad Sis Cat encouraged me to go for svc. If she didnt call me, I would've missed today's and tmr's svc. And I knew then and there that if that ever happened, I would slowly backslide. But I still didnt want to go. I forgot my precious date with my Daddy God.

Today in svc, I was sitting next to Sis Cat. Wahju, a successful church member said this during his testimony, "if you give time to God, God will give time to you." At first, I didnt understand. But I saw Sis Cat turning to look at me. Then, I understood.

He spoke to me. I knew then and there that I made the right decision in coming for svc. I was pressed for time for my art, but if I honor God and set aside time for Him, He will work a miracle and give me enough time to finish my art on time, in both quantity and quality! Praise God!

• My outer appearance/ impressions

I looked at myself in the train and re-evaluated myself. I realised I do dress like a guy. Except for my long hair and of cos, other female features, I'm a guy. I look, walk, and talk like one.

Gosh I hate it -.- I really decided that I must change myself outwardly (of course, inwardly is still the most important) for the glory of God. I cant go ard looking like a guy and talking like a guy. I'm sick n tired of hearing cracks about how I'm "not" a girl.

So after I finish my 'O' lvls, I'm going for a small extreme makeover. I should be an example of how a woman of God should look like, amen?

• him

At the busstop, after Belle left, I continued to sit there. I thought about him. As I was thinking, God showed me a senario. I wun say it here la cuz its embarrassing. But the bottomline is, I'm not the one who chooses who is right for me. God chooses. And in fact, He alr did.

So enough with the "I plan things myself" and start thinking, acting and showing "God is my planner".

• My responsibilities.

Something unexpected happened that changed my whole cell group life. I was given a bigger responsibility.

At first, I was excited. I became proud and over-confident. When the hard part came, I just recoiled and pretend that I'm not involved.

Have you ever seen such irresponsible behavior? At that time, I seemed to love myself more than God, and I seemed to work for myself and not God. Its time I get everything in the right order, and its time I started serving God wholeheartedly and loving others fervently!

If you give God time, God will give you time.

Thanks Sis Cat for opening up my eyes.

6/10/06

// feeling ::
// prayer for ::

Ah. My art is almost complete (the final piece), which means I just have my prep work left. I hope I can go off early tmr for the study session...I still gotta go back for art tmr morning.

Wondering whats happening to the world ard me. As everyday goes by, the more and more I cant wait to get out of Fairfield.

6/10/06

// feeling :: sian-ed
// prayer for ::

5/10/06

// feeling :: exhausted
// prayer for :: my sister's art

Gab asked me to pray for her art this afternoon before I left for cgm. The deadline is next week maximum (supposed to be this Tues) but she's kinda slow and yeah. She's afraid she cant finish.

My art's going great. I love it...Hehz. Actually church and cgm is an incentive for me to work faster and better. I would now give myself targets to hit before going off for svc or cgm. And I would hit it even earlier than the target given! :D Thank God!

Ahh. Much to my surprise, there were so many people today! We had combined cell with W229. It was unexpected but it really got me revved up for the meeting.

Today's meeting was kinda unusual. There was no preaching of the Word, just games and praise and worship. Hehz..The games were really fun! Even though our group didnt win, we really had fun doing everything together.

Gotta hand it to Sis Cat. No matter what game she creates and what game she proposes, she would also seem to make it really fun and exciting. All of us would just end up having a great time. Hehz. Mike, Weikeong and Yuan He did a great job too! They were the gamemasters today.

After that was P&W! Hehz. We then prayed for the people having exams, like PSLE, 'N' Level, 'O' Level and even 'A' Level.

Then it was fellowship. Mooncake! Today felt like a party. People came early to decorate the place, lots of people came and it was really noisy. Its been a long time since I've been amongst such a lovely crowd. I missed that.

I stayed back to clean up (well of course, its my house -.-) and a few from W229, Sis Cat and Mike stayed too. Hehz. Thanks Mike for helping me keep my kitchen sparkling clean! You did a great job :)

It really was a great day...I loved every minute of it. Of course, we shouldnt give ourselves all the credit for the wonderful day with minimal hiccups. We should also give God the glory! Besides, He was the VIP today.

I cant wait to get my Bible from Attributes. I'm planning to get it on Sat. I dun think I'll get NKJV version...I'm afraid its kinda cheem for me.

'O' Levels are coming! My L1R4 for prelims is 26 -.- so high! I cant stand it. I'm getting ready to chiong now. I'm gonna complete my art paper 1 prep work first before getting started on the study subjects. So from now on . . . it hurts to say this but . . . NO MORE COMPUTER AND NO MORE ANIME.

:'(

3/10/06

// feeling :: sleepy but elated!
// prayer for :: everyone's art!

As usual, I was in art the whole day today. Did up my game cards and the questions on the board. Aaron and Gab were a great help yesterday. They gave me a ton of great ideas! The only downer is that they came too late -.- although some of them I could use because they were rather simple to do.

Let me show u a few pics of our art:

This is Gab's piece. The hands look frighteningly real right!

My game cards! Front & back.

Yeah. I had nothing to do during art...Anyway...Nowadays I find it much easier to talk to my sister about Christ. Usually, she would turn away but now she listens. She even asks questions. I just told her about the book of Relevation.

I dont know her feelings towards God now. But I dont want her to believe in God only because she wants to go to heaven.

I just pray...that she will experience the true love of God once again. I pray for a miracle in her life. Then, she'll know its from God. Hehz. I'm looking forward to the day she comes back to church...

2/10/06

Its a game board. Its not really finished yet so there're a lot of uncompleted spaces....Its sorta like Monopoly, cept there're no money and its based on juvenile crimes like drug abuse, theft, child abuse and drink-driving.

I hope I get a good grade cuz I've really spent a lot of time and shed a lot of blood for this piece.

Sigh I gotta get to my work soon. I'm not even supposed to be using the com since I've homework. Ah cram cram cram...O lvls are comin soon. *sweat*

I'm so in love with You!